The Best Part of the Worst

 

The Best Part of the Worst

It was also in year 2013 when I decided to break up with Dee. My reason? Independence. I felt that time that I was too dependent with Dee already and I found it very unhealthy for me. Why? I cannot go to school without him. I cannot do my school activities without him helping me especially Mathematics. I cannot even decide what's best for me without consulting to him. My life was already about him and it was too disturbing. I wanted to finish college without him helping me since people around us thought nga I became an achiever because of him. I wanted to prove something. At first, di gyud sya musugot kay it was too selfish for me to propose a break up with such reason daw. But I found it as self-worth not selfishness. It took him weeks to accept my immature decision but before he left at our aparment I did tell him nga if mo graduate nami, magbalik najud mi and fulfill all the promises we promised with each other--to achieve our kind of relationship goals.

Days, weeks, months and year passed by and everything went smoothly. Among pag treat sa usa'g usa kay mao ra gihapon. We even still addressed ourselves with our endearment (even until now). But the difference was wala nalang juy kami. At that time gyud, never gyud mi magkuyog nga kami ra duha since gibutang lagi nakos akong utok nga dapat ma independent ko niya. Kadaghan sya nakig balik but I rejected those times kay mahadlok ko nga ma fail nako akong kaugalingon sa akong challenge--to be independent.

Everything was okay until nag third year college mi and it was almost 2years ago since our break up , one of our friends told me nga makigstorya si Dee nako. Game kaayo ko that time kay almost two years napud nga wa nami ga kuyog nga kami ra duha. He went to where I stayed and daghan pang pa ligoy2 nga istorya ang nahitabo before sya ni engug:

"Rish, naa raba koy gipanguyaban." As I heard him say that, nalain ko. Ga buto2 awng dughan. Dugay ko katingog.

m: unya, seryoso ka niya rish? (I managed to ask)

h: Kaila ka nako. (And he takes everything seriously)

m: magdugay mo? unya ako? atong sabot?

h: tumanon gud nato atong mga sabot. e fulfill gud ghapon nato atong dream sa atong kaugalingon.

As he said that, dagha'g pangutana sa akong huna2. Like, unsaon namo pag fulfill kung galig sugton syas iyang gipanguyaban? Unsa namay papel nako kung naa na syay lain? Galibog jud ko sa mahimong set-up pero that time, confident jud kaayo ko nga kami jud at the end. We already prepared our future. We already planned our life together. So I asked him, "I will be always part of your dreams, right?" He answered no words but instead hugged me tighly as assurance. I found myself crying kay I sensed doubts and confusion in him which I never saw and felt for years of knowing him. He was always sure. But, the confidence in me that we will still end up with each other was too much. I did not sense any worries about the girl kay lagi, I was confident that Dee will marry his first girlfriend, his first love and that is me.

The confidence I felt slowly vanished when I always see them together in the campus. Mosapot ko kalit. Magselos jud ko taman. Akoa jud personalon ug away si Kia basta makita nako siya without Dee. Di sya mopalag. Permi ra niya e ingun kay "Wa namo tuyoa Jay. Sorry kaayo." Before jud nako sya undangan, ako jud ibalik2 ingun niya "Temporary raka Kia. Ayaw palabi kay basin ikaw modag gubot sa among mga pangandoy." I knew bati kaykog batasan ngadto niya.

I then sensed that Dee did not make time for me that much anymore and when I felt something was very wrong, I was alarmed. After my final exam on that first semester of that school year, I went to his apartment and asked him to be with me again. I told him I found myself. I told him that I've realized that it's okay to be dependent on him. I told him I found it more unhealthy if I continue seeing him with someone who is not me. I told him how wrong my decision was.

He wiped off my tears and said nothing. I told him to say a word but wala. Iyaa ra gi kiss2 akong kamot. I tried to hug him, kiss him but he stopped me from doing it. I was hysterical. I did not care if his boardmates found me crazy already but what I thought that time is to get what was mine because I knew I was losing him. I literally begged him to come back to me with my knees on the floor. I did not care about self-worth. I did not care about pride. I was overly consumed of getting back my man.

"Rish, si Kia ni fulfill sa mga butang nga gusto nakong himuon nimo sauna. She is positively sensitive. She is not selfish. She appreciates effort ug labi nang she values me. Ikaw..."

He said too much but I was not able to hear everything since his first few words made my heart shattered already. Nagkulang diay ko and I justified it by remembering everything we went through.

I remembered how he motivated me to do good in class to make my parents more proud. I remembered how he patiently taught me Mathematics tho I always say "Di lagi ni nako kaya rish oy. Lisoda man ning Math sa college". I remembered how proud he was of me and how he praised me when I received a grade of 1.3 in College Algebra when I was still in my lower years. I remembered how he always tell me I'm beautiful tho I was not drawing my brows. I remembered how he made me come to God when I almost don't know Him. He was the one who made my habit of saying thank you to Him on my best and worst days. I remembered the times when he accompanied me in attending mass even if we have different religion. I remembered how he loved my worst and brought out the best in me.

I also rembered how I did not remember him. I remembered how I nagged at him when he did some lapses. I remembered how I forgot to say thank you when he cooked, washed my clothes, gave me presents and surprises on special days and ofc with the patience he had for me. I remembered how I forgot to say sorry when I lied to him especially when I went out with my friends for drink. I remembered how I ignored him when he asked me to be there in every of his competitions. I remembered I forgot to say I was so proud of him. I remembered I forgot that he also needed me like how I needed him. I was too centered with myself and I realized I was too selfish and insensitive.

With that, I composed myself. Got up and faced him smiling with so much pain. I hugged him. With my heart shattered, I managed to say thank you and sorry even I knew it was too late already. I hurriedly went out from their boarding house with so much tears. Wa na gani ko kabantay nga gi ubanan diay kog lakaw sa iyang ig agaw hangtod sa akong gi puy'an.

I was expecting nga sundan ko niya or adtuon ko niya pero wala. He just texted me the word sorry. Perti nakong hilak adto kay I never expected gyud na he will give up on me. I cursed Kia too much. I put the the blame on her and I did not accept at first the fact nga ako ang problema, nga ako rasay hinungdan sa tanan.

Days passed di jud sya mutubay nakos chat. Taman ra sya anang "Rish, sorry baya ha?" after I replied, wa na. adto ra taman. Ug mag tagbo mis campus, iyaa ra ko ignun "Taronga sa klase rish ha!". Wa nay "I love you rish" while gubton akong buhok. Ma annoy jud ko pag buhaton to niya pero gapangita naman hnuon ko ato.

And because I did not able to take it anymore, ako napud sya gi adtos iyang bhouse and promised them nga di ko mag himo'g eksena. I just wanted to talk to him. Nananghid iya mga boardmate nga mamalot but I knew, they were giving us the space and time. Pag gawas jud nila, I hugged him and told him how I missed him. I requested to him nga mo remain mi ngadto kay I assure nga last najud to nga mag in adto ko. I was happy kay ni baws nasad syag hug nako. Iyaa pa gani to gigubot'gubot akong buhok. We talked in that situation--hugging each other and he smelled my hair. Ganahan man kaayo ko sauna nga in adto mi pero ana nga time kay nag sakit kog ayo.

m: di najud ka mobalik nako rish? (he answered nothing but his silence was a painful answer already).

m: mag unsa naman ko rish nga wa naman ka?

: buang. di man ko mawa nimo rish. ako gihapon imong number one fan oy.

: nganong ni surrender mn ka nako? (I asked him what my heart wanted to ask na jud kay I promised nga last najud to nakong gukod niya)

: wa ko ni surrender mn nimo rish. Gikapoy rako. Pero number one fan lagi gihapon ko nimo. Suportaan ghapon ka nako oy.

: pero di na ako imong love? (wa sya nitingog.) Kanus'a nawa rish? (nangutana nasad ko kay lagi gi sulit na nako)

: wa ko kahibaw kanus'a rish. Basta nahitabo ra. Nabantayan ra lang nako kay di nako mag sigeg apas nimo. Kabalo nas Kia sa tanan nakong paningkamot rish oy mabalik lang ka nako.

:Basic mn na rish oy. Syay tig comfort tahay nimo nya na inlove ka?

: Di rish oy. Di sya tig comfort. Tig kanchaw nuon kay mura kuno kog iro sig gukod nimo. Two years baya halos pd to rish. Nganong na agwanta mn nimo nga e reject ko for almost two years bi?

: Kay gasabot baya ta. Abi ko okay nata adto

: Kabalo baya ka, nga imo ra to. Ikaw ray okay adto. Time changed everything rish. ( We were too calm in exchanging those words but my eyes were betraying me. Gahilak nako).

: basta rish let me love you nalang ha hangtod kapoyon nasad ko. Wa man kay tarong kasabot gud oy!

: sorry rish ha? basta e fulfill gihapon nato atong mga pangandoy rish bisan ug unsa pay mahitabo.

We remained hugging each other bisag wa nami nag storya until ni offer sya ihatod kos apartment kay lagi, klase pa inig ka ugma and naa sad syay plates humanon!

I tried to bring back the happy and optimistic Jay pero ma consume jud ko sa akong kasakit. Pero wa ko nawaan ug paglaom kay taas pang panahon. Daghan pay mahitabo. Call me evil but I was secretly hoping nga unta magka buwag na silang Kia. I knew it was very wrong and evil. I knew that.

And as promised, I continued my life without him. Pero lahi na kaayo. Mo absent nako sa klase which was strange kay mahadlok jud ko moabsent. Di gali ko musugot sauna kung mag invite syag kaon kay mo klase jud ko. I took everything for granted na gyud. I was not anymore doing my best. I was like that until nag fourth year mi and ni abot among graduation day. He texted me that we made it and he's proud of me kay na fulfill dw nako akong challenge to graduate without depending on him. Na fulfill lagi, pero nagmahay man ko. Di ko malipayon.

Everyone was excited ,but ako? I was too dry. It felt too mundane.

As the ceremony started, nahinumdom ko nga magbalik man diay mi dapat on that day. We supposed to have a photo together in toga with our medal since we promised to graduate with flying colors. It was one of our dreams since we're consistent honor students since elementary. I calmed myself for I nearly cried again. Their department was mentioned already to be the first to receive diploma and awards. I waited for his name to be called and prepared my phone to take a picture of him on stage. His name was then called with a Cum laude after it and other recognitions kay lagi he's an achiever--talented and intelligent. I was so proud of him. Adto nako nihilak. He was too directed. He made it.

When it was our turn to be on stage and while I was on the line, I caught him looking at me while showing to me his diploma and medals. I mouthed "congratulations" and secretly clapped my hands. He was so happy. His look of expectation turned to be a look of confusion when he heard my name being called without anything after it.

While walking down the stage with only my diploma and without any expression, I saw him taking a photo of me smiling.

After the ceremony, he approached me together with his parents and said his congratulations once again.I smiled. Close gihapon among family bisag nawa na ang kami. And in front of our families, ni hilak ko. Kinsa bay di mohilak kung mokalit ra syag ingun "Ma, picturi sa mi. Dream raba ni namo mag picture nga ga toga ug itom bahala ug way medal ning isa. Ikaw may way klaro kasabot diay rish." Ga huot awng dughan. Wa ko kasabots awng gibati. Kinasakitan. Na fulfill lagi namo among isa ka dream pero di na kami. Wa gani namo na fulfill among promise nga magbalik mi on that day. Sakit kaayos dughan dai. Pero unsay mas sakit atong adlawa? kanang mag celebrate mi separately and makita sa tagged post niya nga naa si Kia sa celebration. Ga dangoyngoy kog hilak anang gabi'ona oy. Ako man unta naa adto. Daghan kog mga pagmahay. What if wa ko nakigbuwag niya?

After that day ni tawag syag ngano daw wa nako tumana among sabot nga mo graduate with flying color. I answered him honestly. Nga nawaan kog gana. Na undirected ko. And nakalimot ko.That after the incident we had wa na jud koy gana. Second semester on that year I was eliminated on the deans list. My grades were almost failing. And wa nasad koy paki adto hantod nag 4th year mi and ni graduate.

After that conversation, na tinga ko niya kay tig dung na syas apartment and permi jud ko niya e cheer. I was so happy. I did not bother asked him kung sila paba ni Kia basta ako that time, happy kaayo. I felt that the Dee who was once mine came back.

He had his review with me. He helped me processed my requirements for my board exam and I did the same thing to him. I knew what Dee was up to--he did not want me down. He wanted me successful. He was with me because he wanted me to reach my family's dream: for me to be successful. He was not with me because he loved me. He was with me because he knew he's all that I need in order to become the best of me. Kia, both our parents, our friends, my bestfriend were aware of it but even if I sensed it already, I didn't care. I was so natural. I treated him as my Dee, my boyfriend, my great love.

Two months before my board exam, I asked him one thing which made me hysterical again. I asked him to go with me in Cebu but he hesitated because it was Kia's birthday. I begged him please but he was so firm of saying no. And I asked him the question that brought me back to my senses.

m: unsa man juy naa ni Kia rish nga wa ko? Kanus'a man jud ka mobalik nako?

It took him minutes to say words gyud. In adto jud sya, ma amang kadyut pero ug mao nay mo storya, wa poy paki kung unsa nay iyang gipang storya.

h: Jay, kahibaw ba ka nga masakitan ko mag tan aw nmo nga wa nay pakialam sa kinabuhi? kahibaw baka unsa ko ka guilty nga ignun ko permis barkada nga tungod nako wasted naka? Pero di maayo nga iladon nako akong kaugalingon para ra nimo. Sakto na siguro tong mga panahon nga gikalimtan nako akong worth para nimo. love kaayo tika pero mas gihigugma na nakos Kia ron nga mas labaw pas awng paghigugma nmo. Siya na akong pangandoy rish ug para niya na akong mga pangandoy. You are my first love maong di ko gusto maka kita nimo nga mag sayang2 sa kinabuhi kay you was once my everything. Palihog rish , be the Jay nga nailhan nako.

It was too harsh for me. Wa na juy pag-asa. Pero kung unsa sya ka firm sa iyang words, ngadto pd ko ka firm sa awng decision nga magpakaluoy balik niya nga balikan ko. I begged him again to give me another chance to come back to me. I promised to fix myself para di nako magkulang niya. I promised him that I will be the best of me basta lang mobalik sya. But it did not affect him bc he was always sure of everything.

h: mao nay isas rason nganong di nako ganahan mobalik nimo rish. you are too selfish. for once ba, gi consider ba nimo unsa akong ma feel? Ug mobalik ko nimo, maayo pa ba na nga malipayon ka nibalik ko pero ako, nya ako ma guilty kay kahibaw tang wa nako nahigugma nimo kay si Kia na? Bisag karon ra rish, pwede akong kalipay say imong e consider?

Nahugno ko. Sakit naman tong makaybaw ko nga wa na siyay gugma nako pero mas sakit man diay makaybaw nga ikaw babag sa kalipay sa tawng gihigugma nimo.

After that, I decided to let go of him for real. I reviewed and prepared without him for my upcoming exam tho bothered kaayo kos ka concern sa mga taw nga gapalibot nako.

The night before my exam, he called me and said he offered a candle for me and whatever happened daw he will always be proud of me. I cried again. Buotan kaayo sya nako. He even put Kia on phone and despite the awkwardness, I asked sorry to Kia for I knew I was hurting her. Buotan sad kays Kia. She even said she understood me. I knew I was secretly judged by the people around me even by the ppl close to my heart. But it never came to my thinking gyud nga si Kia ang unang taw nga mo ingun nakog "I understand you" adtong mga panahona because they really didn't understand me. They kept on telling me , "BOGOA NIMO" , "DI MAN TO ANGAY KABOANGAN", "MURA KAG BUANG" and so many words.

I passed the exam and Dee even took me out for dinner few days after my thankgiving party. It was a dinner with his family since birthday sad tos mama niya. Kia was there also. I knew I'm torturing myself but I hid my pain since I promised myself nga di na gyud nako ipakita ni Dee nga affected gihapon ko kay I knew ma guilty gyud sya. Gusto nako ma happy sya without feeling guilty because of me. Gusto nako ma happy sya without thinking nga masakitan ko. I even told him "AYG FEELING RISH. MOVE ON NAKO NIMO OY". What I always think gyud is okay ra nako nga masakitan ko secretly basta lang kay I know nga naa ra sya permis awng kilid-- to cheer me up, motivate me and watch me do the best for my self without him.

I did not anymore demand time from him since I challenged myself again.I challenged myself to fulfill all our dreams for ourselves bisag wala nay kami.Bisag nahiluna na syang Kia. So far so good man pd akong pag challenge sa akong kaugalingon.

I worked hard according to how we dreamed it.I wanted to tell him nga I received praises from my employers, colleagues and the people I served but I chose not to.

I saved money for myself, my family and for the material things we dreamed to have katong mga estudyante pami. I wanted to tell him nga napalit na nako ang mga posters sa among favorite animes but I chose not to.

I travelled to some of the places we dreamed to visit pero gamay pa kay di paman kaayo ana kadako ang tigom. I wanted to tell him that I am saving for my solo travel to the happiest place in the world kung asa sya ni promise mag propose but I chose not to.

I attended concerts of our favorite OPM bands and I even sang our one of our favorite songs with Chito. I even sang the line of Gloc-9. HAHAHA. It's a happy song but I was breaking. I wanted to tell him that I was disappointed kay wala sya with me to sing the lines of Kiko but I chose not to.

I am slowly fulfilling our dreams before but it saddens me when I realize nga naa jud mi dreams nga dili nako ma fulfill.

Dugay pa ma fulfill atong dream nga mag ka car and magka house but kabalo ka asa ko maglisod ug fulfill Dee? It is to be married to the man of my dreams, my ultimate crush, my ideal guy, my standard of man, my one great love. Di na nako ma fulfill Dee kay ikaw man gud na. How lucky Kia is for she marries you.

I admit, it still breaks me to see on social media on how you fulfill your dreams with Kia but please don't feel guilty. I'm okay. I'm trying to be. Kita baya ko sa video ni Dexie atong ni kanta kas videoki atong sa parokya nga "Your Song" rish.

"I take one step away but I find myself coming back to you, my one and only, one and only you!"

Mura man kag mongoloid. Aware ba si Kia rish nga themesong to nato? Ahhhh, themesong sad na ninyo? Pag kanta nimo ana nga line rish ngadtong Kia, I imagined myself singing it to you. Gi try man jud nako e divert akong feelings ngadtos lain pero di man jud rish oy. For 6 years ikaw man gihapon.

Nangita gihapon kog weird pero talented, intelligent, family-oriented, God-centered and most especially grabe mohigugma labi nas panahon nga di nako kahigugma-higugma. Gapangita man ghapon ko nimo rish.

To you Dee, my first and great love, my tutor, my Luffy, my Rish, e ampo ghapon ko ha? Don't worry I never forget God on worst days ghapon just like what you told me.But I admit, I questioned God why He let you break me but I have realized I am the first one who break you. I will be forever grateful that I was once loved by you ug wa gyud ko nagmahay sa mga nabuhat nako for it proved me that I am able to love. I pray that I can love the same way again. I also pray I can love someone more than how I love you like how you love Kia more than you love me. I pray for someone who will love me the way you did and ofc choose me which you did not do. Thank you so much for being the best boyfriend rish. Ayg kabalaka hapit nako napul'an ug higugma nimo. You will always be my love song tho the broken song is us because happiness is you; sadness is us.

To Kia, continue to love him and appreciate him. Thank you for having the qualities he need when he did not find it in me. He loves you so much and everyone knows that. I pray to have the courage to visit you two and the kids as well and laugh off everything we've been through.

To Arnikka, thank you for inspiring me to let my heart out. Be strong and feel the pain. Let that pain motivates you to be the best you can and not the other way.

As of now, I'm healing. I'm not in a relationship yet but I'll make sure that if God will bless me my another "the one" , love will be there.

Diri nalang ko taman. To everyone nga nibasa, thank you for the time. Advice? ayg abusari ang title nga "uyab". Paminawa gali nang bisaya nga kanta nga "Ayaw Palabi" (di ko sure mao banay title) pero feeling nako si Dee sad writer ana. JOKE.

Basta kung possessive ka pagka uyab mn gani , ayg patuyang sa batasan dai kay tao pd nang uyab nmo. Do not be selfish. Do not be insensitive. Do not always consider how you feel but consider how he feels also. If you already have the best and the man you prayed for, keep him. Pero, be the best you can even life offers the worst. Be your own version of perfection tho the perfect person for you choose to leave.

Ang Nagpalabi nga Inday,

Jay